Stop focusing on agreement! Progress and engagement are the goal when you allow difficult conversations to be problem solving opportunities.
Difficult conversations. Even the phrase itself makes most people uneasy.
Let’s test it: Raise your hand if you enjoy having difficult conversations. In a room of 25 professionals, I typically see only one to three hands go up. A few more people wiggle their fingers hesitantly, as if unsure whether they truly belong in that category. Most hands remain jammed down by people’s side – still. And two to four actively sit on their hands, desperately hoping I won’t misinterpret their dread as enthusiasm.
If you fall into that 70% who would rather avoid difficult conversations, you’re not alone. But if you’re in the 30% who embrace them, here’s how you can help others shift their mindset.
Reframe: Changing the mindset from Conflict to Problem Solving
It’s all in the mindset. Avoidance of difficult conversations isn’t random—it’s learned. It stems from experience, cultural norms, and exposure to past conflicts. It makes sense why people don’t like having them. But that mindset is inhibiting when it comes to our need to participate in difficult conversations. We are human after all. Social beings who from time to time need to have tricky dialogue. Conflict is a natural product of us being different from each other.
The good news? Mindsets aren’t fixed. They can be reshaped.
One simple but powerful reframe is this: take up the mantra “A difficult conversation is just a fancy way of saying problem solving”. We all LOVE PROBLEM SOLVING, it’s in our DNA as humans. Our brains even release dopamine—the feel-good chemical—when we crack a tough problem (Goldsmiths, University of London). Problem solving fuels innovation, drives improvement, and strengthens relationships.
“A difficult conversation is just a fancy way of saying problem solving.” – Zandy Fell, The Zalt Group
A difficult conversation is just problem-solving with emotions attached. When we strip away the awkward pauses, passive-aggressive emails, and overthinking, a difficult conversation is
Two (or more) people + a challenge = A problem to solve
Here’s the game-changer: If you approach a difficult workplace conversation as a puzzle to solve rather than a battlefield to win, everything shifts.
Problem Solve Collaboratively
Instead of thinking, “Ugh, I have to confront them” try this “We need to solve this together.”
See the difference? Confrontation feels like a fight. Problem-solving feels like collaboration. It’s no longer you vs. them—it’s both of you vs. the issue.
This isn’t just theory. Research from Harvard Business Review suggests that shifting from a defensive stance to a collaborative, curiosity-driven approach leads to better decision-making and long-term solutions ([HBR: “The Secret to Dealing with Difficult People Is Not What You Think”]).
When you take on a problem-solving mindset you will naturally ask questions that kick start the collaboration. You will move the conversation from friction to flow:
- What’s the actual
- problem? Do we agree on that?
- What assumptions are being made? How would
- adjusting them help?
- How should we go about solving this problem?
- What interests need to be considered?
- What’s the first next thing we need to discuss?
- Do we need some help with this problem?
Redefining Success: Progress over complete resolution
Not every conversation has to end in a grand resolution. Sometimes, progress is just agreeing on one small thing or agreeing to try something different. If you can’t solve the whole problem today, what’s one thing you can adjust? What’s one thing you will commit to thinking about differently?
Difficult conversations aren’t about “winning.” They’re about progress. The moment you shift from “defending your side” to “solving a problem,” you’ve already won.
So, next time you find yourself avoiding a tough talk, don’t think of it as a confrontation—think of it as a problem waiting for a solution. Solve it.
